Discipline vs Softness - Are They Truly at Odds?

“I’m going to quit my job.” Lana’s camera took a second to flicker her image into existence, but her voice already betrayed the urgency.

Lex let a moment pass, so they both would have time to arrive into the conversation. “Okay. Hello to you too.” He smiled and continued, “That’s a big decision, although sounds like you’ve already made it? So, I assume it’s not what you want this coaching session to be about?”

Lana looked sheepish for a second then took a deep breath in and relaxed, “I… Sorry, hi.” She gave Lex an apologetic smile. “I’m in a bit of a torn state to be honest. It feels like my mind is simultaneously racing in all directions and stands completely still and paralyzed.”

“That’s understandable. Big decisions like that can affect multiple areas of our lives. What would be helpful to you right now?”

Lana sighed, “Maybe you can help me sort through all this mess in my head.”

Lex nodded, “I can certainly try. What would be a desirable outcome for this mess-sorting process?”

“Well, ideally, we’d get to a point where there’s calm and peace inside my head. But realistically, at least a bit of clarity and ease to breathe would be nice.”

“Thank you for outlining what a realistic outcome might look like in this scenario. Just to clarify, where are you right now with those - the clarity and the ease?”

Lana almost rolled her eyes but stopped herself halfway. “You want me to use a scale, don’t you? I’m at a one out of ten probably. And no, I’m not at a zero because I know I’ll be quitting my job - that’s not a zero level clarity, although it might be a zero level ease. Not sure.”

Lex chuckled, “Ah, I’ve overused scales, haven’t I? You’re very gracious to not call me out on that, but I will make sure to keep that in mind.”

Lana nodded.

Lex leaned forward. “Let’s see. You called it a mess. What kind of mess are we talking about here? A dirty dishes in the sink kind? Wardrobe explosion?”

Lana shook her head. “No, it’s more like the entire house, including the backyard, exploded and there’s stuff everywhere, and I’m trying to figure out what is still intact, what can be saved, what should be saved. Basically, what to do with all this.”

“What would you like to do with all that?”

Lana’s eyes took on a reluctantly pleading look. “Honestly? Discard it all and start fresh. But that’s kind of stupid. You don’t discard a decade worth of experience. And not just that. It’s not just about discarding. I think the mess I mentioned before is… Have you seen the movie Arrival?”

Lex’s eyebrows shot up, accompanied by a building anticipation. “About the aliens?”

Lana looked mildly peeved. “About the amalgamation of past, present, and future, and complete rewrite of our concept of one-directional time flow, and how to live with that. But yes, it’s also about the aliens.”

Lex smiled and nodded for her to go on.

“The mess I’m talking about is like an amalgamation of past, present, and future messes, and trying to navigate them all at once.”

“That sounds like a lot to navigate.”

“It is. What if anxiety is just a transitory state of people who’ve already started to live in past, present, and future all at once? What a random thought.” She shrugged and went on, “What I’m saying is that I’m trying to focus on what’s right in front of me, but then I miss out on planning for a few steps ahead and when I get there, it’s already a mess because I haven’t taken care of those steps when I still had a chance. I think I’m going about it in all the wrong ways. Or rather, I have a sort of a vision for how I want to be going about it - you know that whole light and ease and acceptance and trust and going with the flow and what not - but that approach keeps on not delivering. And maybe it’s a sign that I should go back to doing things the hard way - through discipline and dedication and hard work.”

Lex took a deep breath, knowing that Lana will subconsciously follow his suit. “You make it sound like these two approaches are at odds with each other. Are they?”

“Yes! One is a path of drive and passion and inspiration permeated by a sense of acceptance and surrender but a good kind of surrender, the kind that is more about flexibility to find and try alternative paths rather than continue to hit the head against a closed door and refuse to see the open window next to it. The other is a path of rigidity but also certainty and predictability because it’s about just one way, and it’s about such commitment to that way that the door you’re hitting your head against eventually breaks.”

Lex smiled. He enjoyed his sessions with Lana in part for these kinds of visuals. “I really appreciate how self-aware you are, but especially the kinds of metaphors you come up with. So, one path is breaking the door with your head and another is noticing and climbing out of an open window?”

Lana cocked her head. “In a nutshell, yes. And I guess when you phrase them like that, they do seem related. Like they are known for what they are only relative to each other. Sort of like fish in water - unless they jump out of it, they won’t know there’s water around them to begin with. So unless you become aware of the alternative, the path you are on seems like the only one. But becoming aware of the alternative makes you question the path you are on.”

“Quite a conundrum that is.”

“Yes. And before you ask it, I don’t know if they can coexist - they would need to develop a very special relationship with each other in order to, and I’m not sure how much energy I have to serve as a relationship therapist to these parts of me.”

Lex gave her an intent look. “Would you be willing to try that out now?”

“What?”

“Conducting a relationship therapy for these two parts of yours?”

Lana gave him a surrendering half-smile. “Mmm, I did it to myself, didn’t I?”

Lex smiled in return.

“Okay. What would you have me do?”

“Let’s name them first.”

Lana pursed her lips but went along anyway. “Fine. Discipline and Softness. Argh.” She shook her head.

Lex narrowed his eyes. “What came to your mind just now?”

Lana sighed. “A phrase. I don’t know if I really agree with it, but it’s something like ‘Discipline creates space for Softness’.”

“Ah, and we’re back to the space and softness conversation we brushed on previously. It seems rather appropriate that it’s coming up now - what do you think?”

“I don’t know what I think but I can share the thoughts that come to my mind.”

With effort, but Lex kept his eyebrows in check then nodded invitation.

“Softness needs a container, a structure, something to keep it in place, together, and probably safe too. Discipline is kind of that. So maybe it’s the matter of figuring out how to overcome my resistance to the rigidity of the discipline, how to not associate it with needing to just pull myself up by the bootstraps that creates tightness and constriction.”

Lex nodded. “Tightness and constriction. What is the opposite of those?”

Lana didn’t even pause, “Space and expansion. And yes, we spoke about those before.”

“How could discipline be grounded in space and expansion?”

“Well, those two are the domain of softness, which is sort of the opposite of discipline.”

“Yes, and if we lived in the world where discipline was grounded in space and expansion, what would that look like?”

“Mmm, I think space and expansion would need to come first.”

“Curious.” Lex paused for a moment then pivoted, “What does discipline mean to you?”

Lana looked somewhere behind Lex, collecting her thoughts. “Well, I used to pretty much worship discipline and that whole productivity culture. I used to be really proud of and known for my discipline. When I was younger, it was about having a regular routine - I would establish day regimens with hourly blocks for everything, from getting up early and exercising and doing my chores to time blocks for fun activities. It sometimes included 4-5 hour blocks of dedicated time to specific activities, such as preparing for a test or learning to play the guitar.” She closed her eyes and swallowed. “I don’t feel like I’ll ever again have the energy necessary to make every hour of my day productive like that. More recently, that is, a few years ago, during the pandemic, I would have certain predictable blocks, such as dedicating 1.5-2 hours in the morning to my personal goals, before the start of the workday, which of course required me to get up early; and then regular physical activity in the evenings. But now, even that isn’t working anymore.”

“Tell me more.”

She opened her eyes. “Well, that’s all, really. I’ve been progressively getting worse at discipline and regularity, without having a better system to put in its place. Even the easiest things, such as 10 minutes of light morning exercise that I know and feel is good for me, don’t stick. And as I’m saying all this, I don’t think I’ve ever had a routine stick with me for more than a few months at a time. I talk about having been good at being disciplined, but maybe I never was? I just produced an impression thereof. Maybe because I didn’t use to make a problem out of my routines changing regularly, but lately I’ve been wanting stability and consistency so much, that any deviation felt like failure?”

“That sounds like an important insight.”

Lana nodded thoughtfully.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but it almost seems like there’s a difference in what discipline is to you and what you think it should be?”

Lana thought for a moment. “Well, what I think it should be, based on how it’s normally and positively perceived, is a system of regular commitment that allows for little inconsistency, it’s something that’s grounded in the willpower and doesn’t accept excuses. And I guess that’s where my resistance surges - I resist this particular image of discipline, the rigid and grind kind of self-violence.” She shuddered. “Yes, that’s it - I oppose self-violence. What it normatively is to me though… Hmm, can normative be in relation to a particular person rather than on the whole? Doesn’t matter. What it is to me is a predictable system that promotes self-control and with it self-reliance and self-trust.” She raised her eyes to look at Lex. “You know what’s funny though?”

“Please do tell. But before you do, I just want to repeat something you said because it seemed to have weight - ‘I oppose self-violence’.”

Lana gave an acknowledging nod but kept on with answering her own question. “One of the things I wanted to also talk with you about at some point is how to build a better relationship with my impulses, and I’m bringing it up now because normally, I’d consider impulses as something belonging in the Softness category - that whole just go with the flow, follow the path of least resistance, and such. But there’s a very sacred window when it comes to discipline where, sometimes before the set time for the specific task, I feel a tiny impulse within to do exactly what the plan is, and if I fail to notice and follow that impulse - and when I say it’s fleeting, I really mean it’s a fraction of a second thing - then starting that task requires a lot more activation energy and requires me to actually engage some of that discipline.”

Lex nodded. “Discipline isn’t about opposing the impulse but rather noticing and listening to it, timely. Everything seems to be connected.”

“More like everything seems to have a relationship with everything else - discipline, softness, space, expansion, impulses, flow, lightness. It seems like the answer might be in a deep and practiced attunement with myself, which means accepting that it’s something that will develop over time.”

“What might a small step towards that practicing that attunement and acceptance look like?”

“We’re almost at time, aren’t we? Time for takeaways and action steps? I feel like we discussed so much and yet nothing at all.”

Lex smiled. “Let’s see. Our conversation started with the acknowledgment of the turmoil that the decision to quit your job has brought about and took on an objective of providing a bit of clarity and ease to the mess-equivalent of an entire house explosion that exists in all three tenses - past, present, and future. Within that mess, we discovered two opposing factions - discipline and softness - but upon taking them through a relationship therapy, it became apparent that they did overlap in the space of… space and impulses. Does that sound about right?”

Lana nodded, clearly impressed by Lex’s ability to keep track of what seemed like a chaotic flow of thoughts.

“I can share some questions for further reflection, if you’d like? For example, how does your decision to quit your job relate to the discussion of discipline, softness, and impulses? In what ways are you, Lana, not some random person, already disciplined - that is, what does your personal form of discipline look like? Because let me break it to you, based on everything you’ve shared in our sessions so far, while perfect consistency might not have been your route, you have accomplished a lot in your life, and it might be helpful to consider how you got there. You’ve noted regularly about your loss of discipline and consistency and your challenges with routines and systems, but maybe as you noticed today, there was never a real change in your behavior but rather in your interpretation of your past behavior and expectations for your present?”

Lana jotted down Lex’s questions then raised her eyes expectantly.

Lex smiled. “So, back to your final thought about attunement and acceptance - what might a small step towards practicing those look like?”

“I’ll mindfully track my impulses and especially those I manage to follow. I’ll make a commitment to follow them in however small a way available to me - like if I get an impulse to dance on the train, I’ll let myself to do some small movements with my hands and feet as a gift to the aligned version of myself that I’m carving out, dusting off, and polishing up.”

“Sounds like a plan! Looking forward to hearing about how that went next time we talk.”

P.S. The image is from my illustrated poetry book “Ode to Hope and Despair.”