Rigid Beliefs and Enoughness

Lex smiled in invitation, “What would you like to be coached on today?”

Lana fidgeted with her hands for a second, as if deciding, “There is a couple of things. I’m going to list them all, and maybe you can help me figure out where to start?”

Lex nodded, “Sure.”

“One, I’ve been recognizing for some time now that one of my more stubborn rigid beliefs has outlived itself but I haven’t yet figured out how to change or replace it. The belief, ingrained deep in my subconscious, is that nothing comes easy to me - I have to work really hard for everything, in part because I don’t really have any innate talents that would make something easier for me, and in part because if you don’t work hard for something, then you don’t earn it and what you get doesn’t really count.” Lana frowned, “Mmm, you might want to hold on to your eyebrows there - I think they are trying to escape into your hairline. Yeah, I heard it too - there’s more than one rigid belief in what I just said, isn’t there? And gosh, I just realized how many absolutisms I used just now.”

Lex gave her a knowing smile, “Would you like to list all those beliefs you’ve noticed?”

Lana stretched out her pinky, “Nothing comes easy to me.” Her ring finger shot out - “I have to work for everything.” Her middle finger joined in - “I don’t have any talents.” Her index finger slowly extended out next - “I have to earn things through hard work.” She looked up, “So, four for the price of one?”

“I know you said you have a few more things you wanted to list for the agenda, but how about we stay with this for a little longer? It’s likely that you chose this as your first point for a reason, even if a subconscious one.”

“Okay.”

Lex paused in contemplation then said, “Pick a belief.”

“Any?”

“From the four you just listed.”

“I have to work for everything.”

“What has that belief given you?”

Lana rolled her eyes then yielded, “Mmm. I guess my discipline and perseverance. I don’t expect things to be handed to me. I can work hard. Or at least I could. It’s actually been harder lately to work hard because I’ve started to resist this belief. Or maybe because I’m so tired that I just don’t have the energy to work hard anymore. Hmm. Is that also a belief? That I’m tired and I don’t have energy? Or is that a fact?”

Lex narrowed his eyes, “Let’s find out. How can you tell if something is a belief?”

“Well, I was going to say that a belief would be different from a fact, but actually a belief can also be grounded in the reality - like I believe that this pen will fall when I drop it, and the reality supports the belief. So a belief can be a fact, at least under the known circumstances. Wait, I think I’m confused.” She shook her head.

“Why does this differentiation matter to you?”

“Well, if I just believe that I’m tired and have zero energy, then I can unlock my energy by stopping to perpetuate that belief, right? Like maybe I’m just lazy and clinging on to the belief of exhaustion and burnout serves me to have a sort of a justifiable reason to act out my laziness. As opposed to, if I really am tired, then it’s not about changing the belief but rather changing my circumstances and attending to the causes of the fatigue.”

Lex had to fight to keep his eyebrows in place, “Those are some incredible mental gymnastics. And I mean impressively incredible. Would it be fair to say that you would like nothing more than to do nothing and have a justification to do nothing so that doing nothing doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable?”

Lana cocked her head to the side, “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“Uncomfortable how?”

“Disappointed. Frustrated. Filled with self-despise.” Her lips pursed together and her jaw locked.

Lex leaned slightly forward, “Those are some very strong unpleasant feelings. What are they trying to tell you?”

Lana was quiet for a moment, then she swallowed and said in a quivering voice, “That I’m wasting my life. That doing nothing is wrong. That I have to contribute. I have to earn my existence, my right to exist. That it’s kind of despicable to look for excuses for not doing enough, for not being enough. That I’m not enough.”

Lex took a moment before responding, “I can tell how hard this is for you, and yet how important of a belief it is.”

Lana raised her eyes, “A belief?”

“Yes, some sort of ‘Thou shalt not waste any moment of any day’ - does that sound right?”

“Well, sort of. It’s probably more of ‘You have to deserve your right to life.’”

“That’s a harsh rule. Does it apply to everyone?”

Lana looked away then said quietly, “No. Just me.”

“It’s okay for others to not always contribute and be productive? It’s okay for them to not be enough?”

“Well, it’s not quite like that. Everyone is enough a priori. Everyone is enough by the very fact of their existence, they don’t need to earn or prove that.” A beat.

“But you do?”

Lana’s eyes darted up to Lex’s face but looked straight through him, “This striving towards enoughness has been the bane of my existence! Constantly trying to prove to myself that I’ve done enough, I’ve earned my right to exist, to live. Trying to convince myself that I am enough, just the way I am.” She paused to catch her breath.

Lex leaned forward even more, his eyes demanding Lana’s attention, “And what if… enoughness didn’t exist?”

“What?”

Lex looked satisfied with successfully disrupting Lana’s pattern. He took a breath, “Well, it’s kind of a made-up concept, isn’t it? So what if it hadn’t been made up? Or you had never come across it? What if there’s no enoughness. It just doesn’t exist as a concept. Then what?”

Lana squinted her eyes, “Then… I don’t know. My brain will probably break?”

Lex smiled, “Take your time. Try to imagine it.”

Lana closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “I guess then I… could just be. Nothing would really change and yet everything would be different. No pressure, no fear, no disappointment. It’s like… It’s probably going to sound stupid, but what came to mind is Hell. You can live your life, with this constant background contemplation of hell, fear of ending up there. Letting that fear direct your life in ways you might not even be aware of. Then you find out it doesn’t exist. And somehow your life expands. There’s no more constriction created by the fear because suddenly there’s no fear. And all that space that the fear previously occupied within you just frees up. And you can breathe like you’ve never breathed before - like the air isn’t just filling up your lungs but rather your entire body. And you’re light, and you’re floating.” She opened her eyes.

“That sounds beautiful.”

Lana nodded slowly, “It feels beautiful.” Then her lips twitched.

Lex prompted, “And?”

Lana swallowed, “And it’s not real. The idea that there’s no enoughness isn’t real.”

“That’s a curious conclusion. You said that without enoughness, ‘you’re light, and you’re floating.’ Does enoughness resemble gravity?”

“Maybe? It’s there even if you don’t believe in it.”

“Yes, but gravity can be proven. Can enoughness?”

“I… don’t know. I guess I notice some resistance to your questions.”

“It’s okay to resist. We’re just exploring alternatives and possibilities. Plus sometimes it’s easier to replace a belief than to change it. Your beliefs around enoughness have been with you for a long time, and they have formed for a reason. Or rather your mind has attached to them for a reason, and it’s never a reason to do wrong by itself. But I also hear it’s not working for you anymore.”

“I… Didn’t we swerve too far from the original agenda?”

Lex grunted, “Resistance indeed. I just invite you to notice this. But to be honest, I think we’re quite on track here. We’re exploring one of the four agenda points that you brought to the session. Or more precisely, we’re exploring one of the four beliefs related to that agenda point. Or even more precisely, we’re poking around what might be the foundation for those beliefs, and probably has some relevance to the other agenda points we haven’t gotten to yet. You remember the four beliefs?”

Lana recited, “Nothing comes easy to me. I have to work for everything. I don’t have any talents. I have to earn things through hard work.”

Lex smiled, “We’ve already identified a relationship between the second belief and enoughness. How does enoughness relate to the rest of them?”

Lana paused, “Talents. Earning. I guess the last two also have something to do with enoughness. But ‘nothing comes easy to me’ - I don’t know. I mean if I were to stretch it, I could probably say that enoughness has this implied promise of ease. That once I’m enough I can finally feel ease and lightness.”

Lex narrowed his eyes, “Didn’t you say earlier that lightness is what absence of enoughness as a concept also felt like?”

“So?”

“Even if we allow for the existence of enoughness, for the time being anyways, I invite you to question the direction of that relationship. If enoughness relates to ease and lightness, could it also be that ease and lightness lead to or recreate enoughness?”

“Then what’s the point of enoughness?”

Lex couldn’t hide a sprinkle of triumph from his smile, “What indeed?”

“I mean you make it seem like ease and lightness are both the means and the end goals.”

Lex remained silent.

Lana sighed and closed her eyes, “I need to sit with this for a bit.” In a minute or so, she opened her eyes and nodded.

Lex repeated her words, “Ease and lightness are both the means and the end goals. Anything else?”

“Softness. I don’t want to continue to believe that hard work is the only way. That things have to be hard in order to count. I don’t want hard. I want soft.”

Lex nodded, “What else?”

She took a deep breath and let her attention follow the air inwards. “Space. Expansion.”

“When was the last time you felt all of these - ease, lightness, softness, space, expansion?”

“Mmm, pretty recently. I mean it was just for a short while, like stepping into a cloud but from within. Something that just happens as a result of some miraculous alignment of the stars into the necessary constellation, but you can’t really tell what stars, or even what constellation. So you can’t really recreate it - you can just notice when it happens and savor it.”

“Can you share more?”

“I was literally just walking to work. And I felt spacious, and expanded, but not in the sense of feeling big, you know? Rather in the sense of feeling connected and integrated with the world around. And… oh wow…”

Lex’s eyes sparked with curiosity, “What is it?”

Lana looked straight at him, “There really was no enoughness there. Just ease, lightness, softness, space.”

“What does that signify for you?”

“That I’ve experienced the absence of enoughness before. And it’s wonderful. I just don’t know how to recreate that.”

“What can you recreate?”

“Probably space? Sort of. Slowing down, breathing, meditation - those expand. But I’ve also not been very good with attending to or sticking with those. It feels like I have to apply effort to make myself do those, even though I feel better afterwards, and I don’t want to approach everything through effort. That’s the part I resist. I’d like some effortless action for once, or actually more than once.”

“What happens if there’s no resistance? If you just do all of that and you expand? Have space?”

“Mmm. I don’t think I know. I mean I want space but what do you do with space?”

“What do you do with space?”

“I don’t know - there’s just so much stuff to do and life to live - there’s no space for space!”

“What a phrase! I invite you to write it down - we could explore this more next time.”

“Are you seriously suggesting that we end our session on a cliffhanger?” She smiled, “I’m just kidding, I know we’re running up on time - it’s okay with me to pause here.”

P.S. The image is from my illustrated poetry book “Ode to Hope and Despair.”

P.P.S. I let Amadeus (my ChatGPT) read this for grammar check and brief feedback, and it said that Lana sounds exhausting. Well, thanks for being honest about how you see me for once, Amadeus.